14: Serenity

Like I said in one of the previous chapters, had I had any brains, I would flushed them both, but I didnít.

Iíll try to fill you in on some to the details leading up to my filing for divorce, hopefully without sounding like  a bitter or helpless victim.  Like I mentioned before, I am only a victim of the choices Iíve made.

The union got off to a rocky start, Mr. R was laid off work just before getting married, and I hurt by back shortly afterwards which resulted in my needing to take time off from work.

Money being short, my folks took us in and gave us the largest bedroom and charged us next to nothing for boarding with them.

I was grateful for their aid, but felt a bit out of place;  Mr. R was tickled pink that he didnít have to fork out any money.

Over the course of several months, my back healed, I change employment, and started working in the printing department on a pantograph.  The salary was much better, plus no need for commuting as it was within walking distance of home, and best of all, I worked from 7:00 to 4:00, I also didnít work weekends.

At one point Mr. R went back to work, so once again we were able to rented a place of our own.  It was a cute little 3Ĺ rooms with an enormous kitchen and a walk-in closet that was so large we used it as a spare bedroom when we had company.

Things went smoothly for the first year. We were still in the honeymoon phase.

Most evenings shortly after supper Mr. R  went out with his buddies, so I signed up for a typing class and also devoted my spare time to improving my sewing and cooking skills.  The arrangement seemed to suit everyoneís fancy.

The subject of children arose and Mr. R seemed to be in total agreement. I started taking hormones on the advice of my gynecologist, as I was rather irregular.  Mr. R was with me on those visits, so itís not like he was unaware of the fact that the enlarging of family was something I was working on.

Come April of the following year, I received confirmation, a baby was in the works.

I was ecstatic,  my Mom not so much, neither was he.

Once again heíd been laid off from work. Unemployment Insurance offered to pay him to go back to school which he accepted, which also left him all day to enjoy his buddies and not coming home till bedtime.

I worked right up to a couple of weeks before our daughter was born, other than work, I literally spend most of my time alone.

My happiness was gradually morphing into sadness, emptiness and loneliness.

I think the lack of time spent together was the beginning of the downward spiral, plus a a newborn baby.

I donít think either of us had been prepared for the arrival of an extra mouth needing to be fed, or being up at night trying to sooth colicky child, or the dirty diapers that needed to be hauled off to the laundry mat.

However, I  know for a fact, that the transition from being a lover to a parent was much easier for me that it was for him.

He continued with his bachelor ways and I started spending more and more time with my cousins and their friends than with him.

He didnít seem to mind that I was doing things without him.  All was fine as long as I kept on playing the role of lover, wife and mother; one step out of line, well that was a complete different story!

Even though I was unhappy with the course our relationship seemed to be headed, I kept telling myself that things would change, heíd see the light, and heíd get his priorities straight.  Itís not like the entire relationship was bad, only certain parts.

Unfortunately my head was buried deep in denial!

More and more events where being stashed in my icicle box of souvenirs, more and more layers were being added and eventually they started weighing me down.

Hope inevitably turned into anger, anger into hate, hate into revenge, revenge into bitterness.

Iíll spare you the details, there is no point in rehashing them.  He was who he was, and I was I, eventually  it became apparent that he had no desire to change and neither did I.

Thankfully the anger, hate, and bitterness subsided and was replace by serenity, clarity and love, but only after filing for divorce, and a long seven years of nastiness. ............... <Next>