13: Victim by Choice
In my previous blog I was questioning myself, my motives, how I was coming across etc., seemed like the universe was listening to me, if not the universe, one of my followers on WordPress was. She was kind enough to share her impression of what I had posted. (for which I am very thankful, I must remember to extend my gratitude for her comments, they are most appreciated).
I caught myself smiling as I read her summery of my younger years, she was pretty spot on.
For quite some time now Iíve been psychoanalyzing myself with the hope of better understanding the choices Iíve made along the way, and to do my best to not repeat the mistakes. I have succeeded on many levels, but there is still much work to be done.
As I grow older, I realize that time, the way I perceive it, isnít necessarily on my side. Which in turn means that if I donít have another layer added to this one upon my death, itís been rather futile in the sense of becoming Ďeducatedí (a different way for me to express being more godly).
As much heart ache I brought upon myself, it is nothing compared to the worry I caused others by my actions, and for that I am truly sorry.
As I was going through these learning stages, everything was about me. What I wanted, how I was being treated, or how I was not being treated, you get my drift, so I donít need to write another one-hundred-thousand words to get my point across.
A quick summery would be that I was trying to find my place in the world and come hell or high water I was going to do it my way. (taking other people into consideration wasnít one of my strong points at time in my evolution).
I must state, that when I choose get married, settle down, and hopefully start a family, I had the best of intentions. I honestly did. I truly felt that I knew what I was doing, that I was ready and mature enough to succeed.
Without putting the blame on anyone else other than my own expectations, my lack of experience, my immaturity, my pipe dream of what life with Mr. R was going to be, and having my head buried so deeply in the sand, that I was unable to evaluate this person that I had just promised to love till death do us part.
I was blind, he was a chameleon!
My Mom saw his true colors, my cousin Ashton too, thatís why they both tried to convince me not to go through with the wedding ceremony.
I chose to believe that they were wrong and that I was right!
As I share this story with you, please understand that I am not bitter, in fact, most of the time Iím smiling.
The bitterness has long been buried, it is no longer hidden in my icicle box of souvenirs, I chose to replace it with comprehension and love!
Donít get me wrong, when I said that I should have flushed both him and the potatoes down the drain, I meant every word of it.
I should have but I didnít, and the fact that I didnít, granted me two absolutely wonderful kids and grand kids.
Furthermore had I not married him, I donít think Denis would have come into my life.
When I was going through the difficult times, and when I was giving others a difficult time, I couldnít see how the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle were coming together.
Everything becomes so much clearer in hindsight, doesnít it.
But it is impossible to grasp how, even why, the pieces react in a particular fashion to create yet another layer. A layer that has yet to be dissected to be understood.
Reflection resembles bringing the house down to understand how it was built. When we are in the process of building often we lack the means of diagnosing the weakness in the foundation and / or structure. Itís nearly always after the fact!
On a change of subject for a moment here, Iíd like my reader(s) to understand that Iím not trying to make myself out as a saint or victim.
I am neither.
The only thing I am victim to is being a victim of my own choices in life ............... <Next>